[IZZIE, ASHLEY, LAUREN, and MILLIE are best friends from high school, reuniting for ASHLEY’s engagement party. After they discover that the girl who made their lives hell in high school is now in porn, conservative ASHLEY is particularly put off by the idea, prompting IZZIE to share her own views.]

IZZIE. Ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Everyone watches porn.

 ASHLEY. (Adamant) Everyone does not watch porn!

 IZZIE. Fine, how about everyone who is normal and not a total prude (Shoots look at ASHLEY) watches porn.

 ASHLEY. So you’ve watched it?

 IZZIE. Sometimes I need to spice things up when I’m entertaining.

 ASHLEY. I don’t even know why I bother asking.

IZZIE. So you’re seriously trying to tell me you’ve never watched porn?

ASHLEY. Porn is disgusting.

IZZIE. Tell me, Ash, is the air different up there on that pedestal?

ASHLEY. Come on, porn is just… dirty.

IZZIE. Is sex dirty? (Smiles.) Well, besides the good dirty.

ASHLEY. Joke all you want. But porn… it defiles sex. It should be making love. Something sacred.

IZZIE. Oh, boy.

ASHLEY. What?

IZZIE. Look, I understand your whole personal “wait until marriage” dream or fantasy or whatever. But porn is fun. And hot.

ASHLEY. Don’t you have any respect for the sanctity of love?

IZZIE. Oh, honey. We’re not talking about love. We’re talking about sex.

(There is an awkward beat.)

MILLIE. (Secretively) Well, I, uh, watched some porn once.

IZZIE. What!

LAUREN. Really?

MILLIE. I mean, not really on purpose. We had HBO in the dorms, and one night I couldn’t sleep and “The English Patient” had just ended, so I waited to see what was on next.

IZZIE. And then… BAM! Cock in your face.

(MILLIE giggles.)

MILLIE. Not exactly, but sort of. I mean, I realized what it was pretty quickly.

ASHLEY. And you kept watching?

MILLIE. Well, yeah! I was curious. And besides, there was this whole storyline about a murder that happens on a deserted tropical island.

IZZIE. I wonder if I’ve seen that one.

LAUREN. (Glaring at IZZIE, turning to MILLIE encouragingly) Go on.

MILLIE. So this detective comes to the island trying to get information from everyone, but no one is really talking.

ASHLEY. (Rolls her eyes.) Yeah, I’m sure talking was not that movie’s strong point.

MILLIE. Anyway, the detective uses all these tactics to try to get people to give him information, while the killer and her partner seduce people on the island to try to cover their tracks.

IZZIE. Oh, Mystery on Sex Island. Yeah, I’ve definitely seen that one. I’d give it two stars, maybe.

LAUREN. (Ignoring IZZIE) So, what did you think?

MILLIE. Well, it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be. I mean, there were some scenes that were kind of… attractive, I guess. But I kept expecting to see… like, a (Whispered) penis or something. But it never happened! They would have scenes of people’s butts while they were doing it. Or they would slowly pan down while the woman is like… kissing down the guy’s stomach. But just when she would get close, the camera would cut to the guy’s reaction.

IZZIE. But what else do you expect? It’s HBO. They only show softcore.

ASHLEY. What?

IZZIE. Softcore porn. You know, Porn Lite.

ASHLEY. I assure you I have no idea what you’re talking about.

IZZIE. Then you, my friend, are in for some Porn 101.

ASHLEY. You know way too much about this stuff.

IZZIE. Whatever, it’s a worthwhile education. I learned some of my best tricks from porn.

MILLIE. So wait, what’s softcore?

LAUREN. There’s two types of porn. Well… there’s a lot of different types. But most of it can be categorized into hardcore and softcore.

MILLIE. What’s the difference?

LAUREN. Well, uh, wow. It’s like night and day.

IZZIE. Or doggy-style and missionary.

LAUREN. (Playful, getting into it) Ah, an apt analogy, professor Izzie.

IZZIE. Anything to give the gift of knowledge.

ASHLEY. Ok, whenever you guys are done playing sexpert…

(ASHLEY, seemingly trying to tune out this conversation, gets up and starts clearing plates, empty glasses, etc, and gets herself some more snacks.)

IZZIE. (Ignoring ASHLEY) There are some tell-tale signs that you are either watching hardcore or softcore porn. For example, if there’s a cumshot or you can see penetration, it’s hardcore.

LAUREN.  But soft lighting and a thinly veiled plotline? Probably softcore.

IZZIE. Hear the sound of balls smacking as the guy pounds away like a jack rabbit? It’s hardcore.

LAUREN. Sensual self-touching? Softcore.

IZZIE. Woman with one guy riding her from the back while another guy has his junk in her mouth?

MILLIE. Hardcore?

IZZIE. By jove, I think she’s got it!

ASHLEY. OK, OK, enough! You’re so crude.

MILLIE. I actually found that very educational.

IZZIE. Ash…

ASHLEY. What, Izzie?

IZZIE. You need to get laid. Maybe it will help loosen some of your… tighter muscles.

ASHLEY. (Annoyed) The wedding is in three months. So I won’t be a virgin forever.

MILLIE. Well, at least you know that for a fact.

(Everyone stares.)

ASHLEY. Are you still a virgin?

MILLIE. Since we’re talking sex, I might as well come out and say it.

IZZIE. That’s not possible.

MILLIE. Not possible?

IZZIE. You and Billy must have…

MILLIE. No… we never really… got around to it.

LAUREN. I thought for sure after graduation…

MILLIE. Nope.

(Beat.)

ASHLEY. Finally, someone with a moral compass.

MILLIE. I wish I had. I wish Billy had been my first, I mean.

IZZIE. Then why didn’t you guys ever seal the deal?

LAUREN. You don’t have to answer that…

MILLIE. No, it’s fine. I… I wasn’t ready.

IZZIE. But you’re ready now, right? I mean, you and Billy broke up freshman year. Why didn’t you just find someone else?

MILLIE. The opportunity never really came up.

IZZIE. Have you met college boys? The opportunity is always… up, so to speak.

MILLIE. I don’t idealize sex. Anymore, I mean. I just want it to have some kind of meaning… you know. I know now that I had that with Billy… I just feel like I’m might never have that again. Like I missed my opportunity.

LAUREN. Are you kidding, Mills? There will be tons of other opportunities. You just have to do what feels right.

MILLIE. Sometimes I just want to get it out of the way, you know? I feel like your first time is that hurdle you just kind of have to get over. Once it’s done, you can kind of… do whatever.

LAUREN. It doesn’t really work that way.

IZZIE. I don’t know. I feel like Mills makes a good point. I mean, you don’t remember your third or your fourth time. But your first time…

ASHLEY. So you’re saying that one act of sin makes it okay to pursue a whole path of sin and–

MILLIE. I just feel like that’s how it is. (She looks at ASHLEY, who is clearly frustrated, and smiles.) But I don’t worry. I may be a virgin forever. Whether I want to or not.

IZZIE. Ah, the first time. A precious moment in a young— (Looks MILLIE over and rephrases) uh, girl’s life.

ASHLEY. Of course you’d think you’re an expert in the subject. You were dying to swipe your v-card all through high school.

IZZIE. Give me a little credit. You make it sound like I was desperate. I like to think… I was…on the hunt. You know, searching for… a holy grail of some sort.

(ASHLEY rolls her eyes at this with a sneer. LAUREN catches it, but IZZIE is oblivious.)

IZZIE. You know what I don’t get? Why is it when a man gets laid, he gets high fives. It’s an achievement. But when a girl gives it up, everyone assumes she… well, is giving something up.

ASHLEY. Don’t try to use that feminist bull to justify your…ways.

IZZIE. Why does sex always have to turn into something more? Ever think maybe it’s just another fun…activity? Like eating ice cream or going bowling?

MILLIE. I don’t really like bowling.

IZZIE. Ok, well, like spending a night at the library or whatever you do to get your jollies off. (Turning to LAUREN) Come on, Lauren. Don’t leave me hanging.

LAUREN. Why me?

IZZIE. Because, as the only experienced ones, it’s our job to enlighten the unenlightened.

LAUREN. Why assume I’m… experienced?

IZZIE. Because you have. You totally have. All those guys lusting after you in high school? Even that bitch Candace was jealous.

LAUREN. I never slept with any of those guys. I never even dated one of those guys.

IZZIE. (Challengingly) So you’re still a virgin?

LAUREN. Well… no…

IZZIE. Knew it! So back me up!

ASHLEY. Ok, Izz. Let Lauren talk.

MILLIE. (To LAUREN) What was it like?

LAUREN. (Obviously uncomfortable) What do you mean?

MILLIE. Who was it? How did it happen?

LAUREN. I mean, it was… alright.

ASHLEY. It was Andy, wasn’t it? Or Noah.

LAUREN. No, no. It was actually someone from Brown.

IZZIE. …You held out that long?

LAUREN. Did you meet the people we went to high school with? It wasn’t hard.

ASHLEY. So it was an Ivy man. Business major? Trust fund baby? Kind of idyllic.

LAUREN. More like a pothead. We met in the dorms. We were neighbors.

MILLIE. Were you in love?

LAUREN. No, just really good friends.

IZZIE. Friends with benefits. I like it.

MILLIE. And how was it? The (Whispered) sex, I mean.

LAUREN. Honestly? It was… awkward.

IZZIE. At first, of course. But then it got really good, right?

LAUREN. No, it pretty much stayed awkward throughout. Just kind of moving around…trying to get a feel for what the other person was doing.

IZZIE. But you finished, right? Like, you came?

LAUREN. Um, well…

IZZIE. If you have to think about it, then it probably didn’t happen.

LAUREN. (Sarcastically) Oh, so I’m sure your first time wasn’t weird or awkward—

IZZIE. No, it wasn’t. It was the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt.

LAUREN. Bullshit!

IZZIE. Excuse me?

LAUREN. Come on. From the get-go, it was awesome?

IZZIE. Maybe I’m just a fast learner.

LAUREN. (Not convinced in the least) Maybe.

MILLIE. So what was your first time like, Izzie?

IZZIE. Mind-blowing.

(LAUREN shakes her head and smiles disbelievingly.)

ASHLEY. Let me guess. Anthony Marinelli… behind the bleachers.

IZZIE. Oh, please. I have some taste, thank you very much. Believe it or not, my first time was after high school too. The summer before college.

LAUREN. Wait a minute— It wasn’t with that guy…what was his name?

MILLIE. Grant? Michael? Daryl?

ASHLEY. Oh yeah, that creepy dude you hung out with.

LAUREN. Chase? George?

ASHLEY. Aaron!

LAUREN & MILLIE. Aaron!

IZZIE. (Defensively) He was not creepy!

MILLIE. Didn’t he drop out of State?

ASHLEY. Yeah, he was working as a bag boy at the Kroger.

IZZIE. So he was older! I just needed someone more mature—

LAUREN. He wore shirts with cartoons on them.

IZZIE. Whatever. It’s not even about the guy. It was about the experience.

LAUREN. Well, you gotta give him some credit. It’s not like he turned you off of the sport.

IZZIE. He opened my eyes to how fun sex can be! You’ve gotta be loose about it. (ASHLEY Snorts at the word “loose;” IZZIE glares.) You can’t be walking around like you have a stiletto up your ass. You gotta relax and enjoy. Experiment. You know.

MILLIE. In that movie I saw, I was amazed. At all the different… positions, I mean.

IZZIE. Exactly. There’s a whole world of fantasies out there just waiting to be explored!

ASHLEY. Thanks, Captain Hussy.

IZZIE. Oh, please.

MILLIE. (Still thinking about the porn) Some of the scenes were pretty intense—backwards, forwards, on hands and knees. (Turning to IZZIE) But people don’t usually do those kinds of things, right?

IZZIE. Why not? Seriously, the best sex I ever had was inspired by porn. There was this guy I knew, he asked me to watch his favorite video with him, and of course I did… and then he asked if I’d help him recreate it. Scene by scene.

LAUREN. (A little disturbed by this) Wait, seriously? That didn’t seem weird to you?

IZZIE. (Not picking up on LAUREN’s feeling) Weird? No way! Let me tell you, it was no walk in the park—up against the wall, on his kitchen table, in his shower, out in the back yard—and I could barely walk the next day, but damn was it worth it.

(She sighs, clearly satisfied by the memory.)

ASHLEY. Did you even know this guy?

IZZIE. Relax, Ash, we used protection.

ASHLEY. You didn’t answer my question.

IZZIE. (Getting really into her own thread of conversation) And he was… oh man. So good with his tongue…

ASHLEY. Any captivating detail you won’t share?

IZZIE. Jeez, lighten up. Sex shouldn’t be something kept on a shelf. Talking about it is totally natural. Boy on girl, boy on boy, girl on girl— You just gotta go with it.

MILLIE. Wait, girl on girl?

ASHLEY. Izzie! Are you seriously… (Interrupting herself) God did not intend—

IZZIE. Ok, before you start casting stones, I have not had sex with other women.

ASHLEY. Well, that’s a relie—

IZZIE. I just fool around with them from time to time.

MILLIE. …Wow.

ASHLEY. That is absurd! Do you realize how absurd you sound?

IZZIE. It’s all in good fun! And the boys love it. (Leaning towards ASHLEY to goad her on) I guess there’s something about watching two girls touching… and kissing…

ASHLEY. Stop it! Ugh!

LAUREN. (Gently) Ash, you know she’s just egging you on…

ASHLEY. (Quietly) It’s disgusting.

(LAUREN draws back almost imperceptibly at this.)

MILLIE. (To IZZIE) So what was it like? Kissing a girl?

IZZIE. It’s… different. Girls are gentler, softer.

MILLIE. So you like it?

IZZIE. Well let’s see. There’s excitement, there’s taboo. What’s not to like?

LAUREN. (Slightly peeved) You know, your whole “free love” mentality would be a lot more admirable if you weren’t doing it just to get a guy’s attention.

IZZIE. It’s not like it’s not mutual. There’s an unspoken code to these kinds of things: you drink a certain amount, you flirt, you survey the room, and then, when you feel everyone’s eyes on you, you go in for it.

LAUREN. And it just magically goes according to plan every time?

IZZIE. Well, one time I ran into a small glitch.

MILLIE. What kind of glitch?

IZZIE. I’m at this Gamma Sig party, right? And I’m chatting up a group of guys, and one of them introduces me to his friend, Kendra. And she’s super hot—leggy, tan. So then we do the whole routine. Me, the guy, and Kendra do a three-way kiss, and then he pulls back and tells us to kiss again. So we do it.

MILLIE. And?

IZZIE. And it was good. I mean, it was alright. The boys cheered. But then I pulled away, and she was… just looking at me.

LAUREN. And?

IZZIE. And she enjoyed it.

LAUREN. I thought you said you enjoyed it.

IZZIE. No, I mean she enjoyed it, enjoyed it.

MILLIE. I don’t follow.

IZZIE. She actually wanted to get with me! I always knew I was a good kisser, but…

LAUREN. That’s a little presumptuous, don’t you think? To base that on a look?

IZZIE. She pulled me aside later and asked me if I wanted to continue things in one of the bedrooms. And no one was around when she asked.

ASHLEY. See? That’s what you get for that kind of behavior.

MILLIE. And what did you say?

IZZIE. This is bad—but I just started laughing.

ASHLEY. (Relieved) Well, at least you didn’t go through with it as another “experiment.” I guess there’s some sense in you after all.

LAUREN. (Obviously bothered by this) So it’s OK that she just insulted some stranger? Embarrassed her for being who she is?

IZZIE. She thought I was gay! Do I look gay to you?

LAUREN. You made out with her! Did she look gay to you?

IZZIE. Hey, she’s the one who took it too far. I told you. There’s an unspoken rule about these things.

LAUREN. According to who? You?

IZZIE. I didn’t even know her, ok? She was just some face in a crowd at a party. It’s no big deal.

LAUREN. Do you ever stop to think that those faces belong to people? That they might have feelings?

IZZIE. Calm down, Lauren. God, lighten up. You’re the last person I expected to be uptight about this kind of thing.

LAUREN. (Collecting herself, realizing she came dangerously close to showing too much emotion) Sorry. I just— I just— never mind.

MILLIE. I had a dream I kissed a girl once.

ASHLEY. Millie!

MILLIE. I think it was Keira Knightley. We were on the set of some movie and we had to kiss. And I remember us getting really close, and I was so nervous, it was like that butterfly feeling, but then we kissed and it was really light and sweet.

(LAUREN listens, wondering where this confession will lead.)

MILLIE. And then she put her hand on my waist. And it was kind of nice… (Seemingly thoughtful pause. Then, suddenly) And then we realized we were on a pirate ship, and Mr. Darcy and Johnny Depp floated by on dolphins.

IZZIE. …Yeah, that sounds about right.

(MILLIE smiles.)

MILLIE. It was just a dream. But I guess it was the closest thing like that to ever happen to me.

(LAUREN looks away in frustration. An uneasy silence settles in.)


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